No, I don’t mean the crippling debt and overeating we submit ourselves to at this time of year. But if the jolly and jingle of this Holiday Season is a bit too sugary for you, I have some delightful news! There’s a dark side too! 🙂
As I mentioned already, in our neck of the woods Santa has a mean counterpart. If legends are to be believed, Santa used to have an arsenal of demons whom he bent to his will and had them punish children who misbehaved.
The most famous is the Krampus. In Central European folklore, the Krampus is a horned, hairy figure described as half-goat and half-demon. I must add here that I am very sad for the poor goats who have become such pariahs in Christian circles. Maybe it’s the pupils, but still, it’s prejudice and that shit just shouldn’t fly in the 21st century. Krampus is a historical part of the Holidays in Austria, Bavaria, Croatia, the Czech Republic, Hungary, Northern Italy and Slovenia. This region does have some fabulous folklore.
Horns, hooves , hair
The Krampus appears in many variations, but is mostly said to have horns, hooves and is covered in dark hair. He is claimed to be chained by the Devil (other sources say he is an incarnation of ol’ Beelzebub himself), and he rattles those chains as he goes about his business, I’m guessing for dramatic effect.
Today, you will see that some stores have chocolate Krampus figures much like the ubiquitous chocolate Santas, and some confectioners make edible marzipan Krampus figurines because if it exists, we want to eat it.
On December 5th in certain parts of Austria, young men dress up as Krampus and roam the streets (this is called Krampuslauf, which means Krampus Run), scaring people, which I believe then morphs into a massive drinking session.
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Parents’ little ‘helper’
While Santa serves as positive reinforcement, Krampus is the negative reinforcement that helps parents guide their offspring in the right direction. In the scariest of scenarios, children are threatened by the Krampus whipping them with birch rods or dragging them straight to hell for a good old-fashioned human barbeque, should they fail to do their homework.
Another demon taking part in scaring your children into behaving is Perchta, who is said to straight-up disembowel naughty kids. A savings account for future therapy bills should be opened at about the same time you start telling stuff like that to your kids. You know… lest they turn into broken, binge-drinking adults.
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Scar(r)y face
Krampus has developed quite the fan base and as such, a popular figure displayed in all forms of entertainment. There’s a recent movie, if you’re into that sort of thing, but I refuse to watch even the trailer.
If you recall, I wrote ‘if it exists, we want to eat it’. Since this is the internet, and since we’re all adults here, the general rule of thumb is… ‘if it exists, we want to bone it’. Yes, during my extensive research for this article, I have also stumbled upon Krampus-focused erotica!!
There are a bunch of racy vintage postcards revolving around our hooved child-rearing friend here. If you’re into vintage stuff, it’s a definite must!
As for the actual erotica, I’m just going to leave this one here, because it’s so surreal, I am currently unable to add any further comments. Needless to say, it’s on its way, and is going under my Christmas tree, because grownups – however messed up in the head – deserve presents too.